LETTER TO MY DEAREST FUTURE WIFE.....FROM UR DEAREST BLOGGER..KENNETH

Dear Future Wife,
I’m not entirely certain as to what I’ll call you yet. Honey, darling, baybay, love are just too mundane and ordinary.
I could try out with Obi uto m, just to try it for size.
Well back to the matter
So, just comfort yourself with
So, just comfort yourself with the knowledge/assumption that I am busying myself with gathering experience and growing up emotionally so that I dont end up constituting a nuisance to you. And yes, I can be a nuisance sometimes so be prepared.
Also, you too must busy yourself with the things I’m doing oooo, Rumour has it; I’m not a very patient person and also that I have a funny tongue so berra sit ur ass down and wisen up.
Anyways, This letter is just for us to formulate a good framework, set some ground rules and for me to express some of my inner desires for you and my expectations from you.
Hope you have your note and pen ready?
(1) This is the most important, so pay close attention. NO DIVORCE. *note the Caps, Bold and Underline. Yes, stressing the obvious. Our marriage is for better for worse. That means when I act like an Idiot, you must tolerate and when you act like an Idiot, I will tolerate. One Man, One Wife, In God Forever.
(2) You WILL love God. Note this was not an assumption. Its a knowledge. Just stay calm and happy in that knowledge. And you must know your bible. We arent gonna bully life with just empty words.
(3) You must be a Prayer warrior. Wake me up in the middle of the night to pray. Early morning. Call me on the phone to pray. Anytime, everytime.
(4) You must be BEAUTIFUL and I mean Jaw-dropping, tongue-lolling, drop-dead gorgeous kinda beautiful. The kind of beautiful that will make me kiss the floor and marvel at God’s greatness. Cuz an ugly mofo like me who has his children’s best interests at heart must, ****ermm you know d rest***Check out the pix of me Above
I’m ugly and I know it
(5) You must defy gravity with your height ooo. I’m not so tall and I have no desire to produce vertically challenged midgets. So if the chondrocytes of your epiphyseal plate are yet to experience apoptosis, by all means eat beans and akara and moin moin and drink milo and plenty of it. Dont worry I dont mind ladder climbing for kiss.
(6) You must be a beautiful singer. I mean you must warm my heart and flood my soul and gimme goosebumps with your voice the way people like, Beyonce, Cascada, Celine dion and you must learn all their songs so you could sing them to me at night. Trust me you would be well rewarded for that effort.
So better start buying all the materials you can find now.It will be worth it in the end.
(7) You must have a very high IQ. This point is moot. You wouldnt get anywhere near me without that IQ.
You marry a dullard like me and you also are a dullard, wetin we wan born??? Imbecile?????.
God forbid. I nor know hw u go do am but u go do am.
(8) You MUST NEVER GET FAT. How do you want me to nag our sons and daughters when they are trying on that extra weight if you look like a kettle???
We will hit the tracks together a minimum of 3 times a week and the gym at least twice a week.
If I’m putting that much effort into not getting fat for you, you must do even more.
(9) You must learn how to tolerate my moodswings, frustration, laziness and you must motivate and inspire me. You aint got a choice. Thats if you value your happiness and sanity.
(10) You must NEVER hit our Children more than once at a time. Trust me that shii works. Give the Brat one slap and let his Hippocampus process that and his cerebrum will retain and impression of it. Then when he least expects it, give him another one. We will not tolerate insolence. And since I’m too yellow to beat a child, You will do all the beating.
(11) You must be good at Non-verbal communication. Well, I can be a tight-lipped bastard. blame it on your in-laws. In my house, we can practically read each other’s minds and predict each other’s reactions and next move. You must learn that so we can pass it along to our kids. Let them wonder how we tell our kids to reject that man’s gift while maintaining a perfect smile **winks**
(12) You must have a mind of your own. I mean “Independent”. Because if you’r not, I can be a down-right mean bastard. So when I ask you to do something, feel free to come up with a logical reason why you cant do it and NEVER kowtow to me.
And if at any point in life, u r more successful than I am, know that while I’m proud of you, its your mandate to help me attain that level or else!!!!
(13) You must learn to see the anger despite my smile. I can be deceptively mild, call it a coping mechanism. So you must know when and how to apologize. Never apologize more than twice; I’m not deaf.
(14) You must know how to dance. Be flexible and really mobile (for reasons I cant state here. since this blog isnt R18+) **winks**
(15) Take assurance in the fact that wherever you are, I will always be near. If not by your side, just directly over your shoulder. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Not in your wildest nightmares
(16) COOKING; I’m an African man and therefore you must be versatile. Your Fufu must be world class and except u want death, you must know how to make Iyan and starch and Egwu too. My mum makes the best Egusi in the world, but you must beat that achievement. Make Ogbono, Nsala , Ofe Oha, Afang and dont goan be serving me stew with every soup or I will just start cooking for myself. We will experiment together, every tribe and every tongue (no racism). We will get calabar kitchen trainers, french, chinese, swiss, sweedish, italian, hausa, Igbo.
and we will never eat the same thing two days in a row.
(17) Dont be afraid to spend Our money. We will be making plenty of it. And you will never be selfish. We shall give freely no matter how hard earned the money was.
(18) You must learn how to speak French, Spanish, Italian or Arabic. as well as Igbo..Me, I will learn the rest. Visitors will just be awed as we change languages.
(19) You must never abandon your manners which was one of the precipitating factors for our relationship.
(20) I will handle the kids in their ‘cute’ stage. You will handle them in their ‘goofy’ stage. I will not in anyway assist you except you want to be the wife of a murderer.
(21). We will own more than one company. So berra learn how to manage people wisely. I will manage the funds. You will manage the people.
(22) Our wedding will be in Paris. The theme song would be song by Beyonce, Cascada, Celine dion. No junkie Bruno Mars or mental Kanye West.
Maybe there would be a bridge/hook from Don Jazzy and Tiwa Savage, at ur request
(23) Our honeymoon will be in Kenya and Ma Village and mount Kilimanjaro.!!Lwkmd
(24) No need to learn how to properly apply make-up. I got that.
(25) Our children will not watch cartoons. Only NatGeo and Disc.
Who wants retards?
(26) Our children will only listen to talented musicians None of this Limpopo crap, if it still exist then.
(27) You must read. Varied topics and wide. No need to watch my mouth when my eccletic self starts ranting. You sef wee talk ur own
(28) Your family is not allowed to sleep over more than 2nights in a row, once a month. If my fam cant do it, yours cant too.
(29) We would have plenty Ekaettes. Beautiful maids and handsome helps, valet included. If I can trust myself, You can too.
(30) We would experiment a loooooot *eyelashes, winks* Berra be prepared.
(31) Finally to all those boys that are disturbing you atm, tell them that Se fini.
Daz all.